Tuesday, November 3, 2015

We take the love we feel we earned.

When you think about female friendships, and the expectations of them you think sex and the city, Gilmore girls, and of course now and then. You think females that inspire their friends to make any decisions they want, that no matter what they go through that at the end of the day they're just a phone call away. You think fabulous women where no matter what, they somehow get together once a week with just them for drinks.

This is not reality. At least it hasn't been for me. I dealt with harsh criticisms, back talking, and belittling constantly.

 It's hard to pin point when our friendships go wrong, what causes it? How do you change it? Does it require a friend-breakup? How do you change something that had gone so far down hill? Should I care to fix this?

A common mistake in friendships is relying on the other to act as if they're your significant other. People don't know how to be alone, so they automatically put the blame on the other friend who is now focusing on building a new relationship.

I have dealt with toxic people my whole life friends and boyfriends. They're both similar, but at the end of the day we will always go back to our friends. They're the people that hold our biggest secrets, they're the people who encourage us to leave the other relationships reassuring us that we deserve better. It's hard to let go of that, it's hard to realize that the closest people to us are causing us the most damage. It's hard to let go of that love for a person. I am letting you know it will hurt, but in the end cleansing yourself of the negativity a person has, really can let yourself be a happier, better, you.

I will explain the toxic friendships I have had, and also have been the toxic person before.

 Yes, that's right I can admit that I have been the toxic one in a friendship before, when I was 17 I wasn't in a good place and took it out on my best friend. I was cruel to her, I put her down, I put her husband down and it wasn't okay. I was then angry when she ended the friendship, which caused even more self doubt within myself. It took awhile to realize that I was in the wrong, and a few years later we reconnected on facebook and now I can't thank her enough. Our friendship ending taught me so much, and our reconnection taught me so much as well.

The toxic friendships I have been in before, were tricky.
They never directly said anything bad to me, but behind my back it was sly remarks about who I was and how I was. It was remarks to me about how she didn't understand how guys liked me more than they liked her, it was about how she didn't understand how guys would want to date me.... I guess at the time I shrugged it off not realizing just how much it took a toll on me. The remarks she'd make about how I needed to be a better person, she wasn't pushing me to be better.  Her telling me that I needed to abort my child,  when she was there when I had something similar done and she knew how traumatized I was. It took 9 years, but I finally had enough when she told me that she couldn't trust me anymore. When I kept every secret of hers, every family secret, every bad thing she had ever done and I kept it all in. She had told my secrets to people for years, and she accused me of being the bad friend and untrustworthy? Now my own anger did make this explosion occur.... I let her make me feel worthless, I gave her permission but allowing her to say all of those things to me for so many years. I can admit I shouldn't have exploded on her, but it happened. The second I finally just let it all out, I felt instantly worse. I shouldn't have done that, I should have wrote her a message about how it was better for the both of us that we weren't' friends anymore. Is that the proper way to end a friendship?

I can end a relationship with a boyfriend, and not think twice about it but a friendship is almost like losing a sister... and that was the hardest part.

It's only been a few weeks, and it's still hard for me. I do hope her the best and we've exchanged words a few times and the second I see her name on my screen I think of the negativity and instantly get anxiety again. I don't need that in my life, and neither does anyone.

It is hard to recognize when a friendship is toxic, it's hard to realize that maybe you're stopping each other from growing. I think the best thing you can ask yourself is, how does this person actually make me feel? Are we helping each other, or just holding each other back? It's a hard path to go down, especially if that person has almost been by your side for more than half your life. It is necessary to let go, for you and her though.


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