A void

Adele found these pictures the other day, and started to cry. This is the first time in 3 weeks that she's mentioned you, or asked about you. She told me she misses you and it breaks my heart everytime to know she'll never get a hug or kiss from you again. 

The past month I've been looking for you, in other people. Filling this huge void in my heart. It's so hard to deal with, but I know I can make it through. 

We take the love we feel we earned.

When you think about female friendships, and the expectations of them you think sex and the city, Gilmore girls, and of course now and then. You think females that inspire their friends to make any decisions they want, that no matter what they go through that at the end of the day they're just a phone call away. You think fabulous women where no matter what, they somehow get together once a week with just them for drinks.


This is not reality. At least it hasn't been for me. I dealt with harsh criticisms, back talking, and belittling constantly.

 It's hard to pin point when our friendships go wrong, what causes it? How do you change it? Does it require a friend-breakup? How do you change something that had gone so far down hill? Should I care to fix this?

A common mistake in friendships is relying on the other to act as if they're your significant other. People don't know how to be alone, so they automatically put the blame on the other friend who is now focusing on building a new relationship.



I have dealt with toxic people my whole life friends and boyfriends. They're both similar, but at the end of the day we will always go back to our friends. They're the people that hold our biggest secrets, they're the people who encourage us to leave the other relationships reassuring us that we deserve better. It's hard to let go of that, it's hard to realize that the closest people to us are causing us the most damage. It's hard to let go of that love for a person. I am letting you know it will hurt, but in the end cleansing yourself of the negativity a person has, really can let yourself be a happier, better, you.

I will explain the toxic friendships I have had, and also have been the toxic person before.


 Yes, that's right I can admit that I have been the toxic one in a friendship before, when I was 17 I wasn't in a good place and took it out on my best friend. I was cruel to her, I put her down, I put her husband down and it wasn't okay. I was then angry when she ended the friendship, which caused even more self doubt within myself. It took awhile to realize that I was in the wrong, and a few years later we reconnected on facebook and now I can't thank her enough. Our friendship ending taught me so much, and our reconnection taught me so much as well.

The toxic friendships I have been in before, were tricky.
They never directly said anything bad to me, but behind my back it was sly remarks about who I was and how I was. It was remarks to me about how she didn't understand how guys liked me more than they liked her, it was about how she didn't understand how guys would want to date me.... I guess at the time I shrugged it off not realizing just how much it took a toll on me. The remarks she'd make about how I needed to be a better person, she wasn't pushing me to be better.  Her telling me that I needed to abort my child,  when she was there when I had something similar done and she knew how traumatized I was. It took 9 years, but I finally had enough when she told me that she couldn't trust me anymore. When I kept every secret of hers, every family secret, every bad thing she had ever done and I kept it all in. She had told my secrets to people for years, and she accused me of being the bad friend and untrustworthy? Now my own anger did make this explosion occur.... I let her make me feel worthless, I gave her permission but allowing her to say all of those things to me for so many years. I can admit I shouldn't have exploded on her, but it happened. The second I finally just let it all out, I felt instantly worse. I shouldn't have done that, I should have wrote her a message about how it was better for the both of us that we weren't' friends anymore. Is that the proper way to end a friendship?

I can end a relationship with a boyfriend, and not think twice about it but a friendship is almost like losing a sister... and that was the hardest part.

It's only been a few weeks, and it's still hard for me. I do hope her the best and we've exchanged words a few times and the second I see her name on my screen I think of the negativity and instantly get anxiety again. I don't need that in my life, and neither does anyone.


It is hard to recognize when a friendship is toxic, it's hard to realize that maybe you're stopping each other from growing. I think the best thing you can ask yourself is, how does this person actually make me feel? Are we helping each other, or just holding each other back? It's a hard path to go down, especially if that person has almost been by your side for more than half your life. It is necessary to let go, for you and her though.

 

Lost & found.

Are you lost, or are you just actually finding yourself. 

It's been a little over a year since I last wrote, I guess I got caught up with my ex, looking over my blog I really did think that he was the one, it was a new love and I realize now that I didn't really know the real him and I was speaking too soon. It's weird how when you grow older you realize just how people work, and how long it really does take to know someone. Jhon wasn't who I thought he was, in the end that does suck, but that's apart of growing up. You can't change who you fall for, you just learn from it. I learned a lot about myself from that relationship. I realized that I have a lot of issues that I need to work out before I try to date anyone again, I realized what a giant heart I really do have and just how much I am willing to put up with when I love someone. It's crazy when you grow older,so much changes, So much. I realized that I try to keep up to date with this blog, but I never do, I do however come back to it whenever I feel like I don't have anyone to tell my life to, so where I am writing my feelings away online to .... no one. Funny how that works. Billions of people access the internet daily. I guess this blog post is realizing that I am so young and I don't really have a clue where I am suppose to be right now. I am I figured it out soon though, Until then, I will enjoy this ride. 

To be lost.

Lately, I've felt a little... Lost as we should say. I would get depressed for days at a time, I had nothing positive to say about about myself. I would look at myself, and I would see a failure. I haven't accomplished what a 21 year should have by now, I should own my own car, be moving into my own house, and starting a family. I've done one of those, started a family. As dysfunctional as I did start it, I have my beautiful three year old. She pushes me forward, she pushes me to believe that I can make the things i want to happen, happen.

:To feel lost, makes you lose most of your self worth, and not only that. You start doubting everything. I've started doubting my relationship... which then makes me lash out on him, and become unreasonable, I've been very hard to deal with, but Jhon keeps me going. He keeps pushing me, and he's trying to understand. He's understanding that in the past year, I've lost most of my friends, had to deal with an abortion, and my dad not being home through most of this. He's absolutely incredibly, and I can not thank him enough for being such an awesome guy these past 7 months.

In other news, I've started a challenge for myself to not straighten my hair, or use as least on it as possible. In just TWO weeks it's grown half of an inch! It's incredible. I decided that I want to start also using this as a fashion blog, and an inspiration for future outfits. Which I'll be doing in my next post. :)

The struggles of growing up, losing friendships, and a new promise to myself.

If it's one thing I've noticed about growing up it's that friends are hard to keep, and even harder to find. Lately it feels like friendships mostly consist of going out and drinking, when did that change happen? When did we as humans have to have alcohol in order to have fun. Most of the time it doesn't even end of being fun, it ends up being people crying, fighting, fighting with boyfriends, and someones feelings getting hurt. I don't know why it's like this, but it is. Alcohol does bring up the demons in people, and most of them are ugly. I personally have just lost a few friendships because of this. It's not worth what it causes to us, it's not. Losing friendships is something I haven't had to deal with in a long time, for about 3 years. I've had the same set of friends since I was 14, and as hard as this is. I'm attempting to see the positive in the situation. I've learned that friends will so easily throw away a friendship because of words exchanged while under the influence, I personally am not okay with it. I am stepping because and realizing a lot about my generation. I don't want to be them, I don't want to get drunk every night. I don't want to not remember my nights. I am a mother, and I don't need that. So I guess  to the new promise to myself, I am promising that for awhile I will not be drinking. I don't know how long it's going to be for but I am setting a goal of at least 6 months. I am also saying that whenever I do start drinking again, it won't so I can get drunk, it will be over dinner or something of those sorts. A family toast, at a wedding. That will be it, I don't want to be wild and crazy anymore, I've had enough nights not remembered. Here's to remembering every night and getting my life on the path it should be. 

A week off, and time to blog a little.

It's been a few months since I last posted, I've been really busy and I don't really have time to blog too much anymore. Lets start with Adele, she's grown so much the past 4 months. She's writing her words out, and her name. She's reading, and loving more each day. ;She has her first big recital for dance in May, and we are getting so excited for it. We decided to put her into swimming lessons this summer, and probably gymnastics. We are a busy family, growing more each day. Work is going great, a job offer just opened up and I'm going for it. I'm currently on a week vacation while my mom visits my dad out in Florida. It's been so nice, I also just celebrated my 21st birthday on Tuesday. I spent it with my friends on Saturday, and on Tuesday I went to my boyfriends house and got to spend almost two whole days with him which is almost unheard of for us. I guess since the last time I posted having a boyfriend is new, I actually met him through work. He makes sure that I am safe and secure. I get the kind of feelings for him that you are suppose to get. I look at him, and I see home. Like, no matter where I go, as long as Adele and him are there... It will be where I'm suppose to be. I don't know what's going to happen with him, but for now I just want to enjoy every minute of it. Everyone in my family loves him, and he loves everyone in my family. He sits and talks to my parents, he's motivated in school, in life, and pushes me to be a better mother, person, and more responsible. Our puppy Bella is well.... a handful, haha. I say "our" puppy because how Jhon and I started talking was he was going to buy a puppy in the same litter, but didn't get to because his house is too small for one. So, we share Bella. For now, pictures of what we have been up to. 

From Easter 

My birthday party. 

  The pups. 

Easter. 

Selfie. Lol

2013, wait... where did 2012 go?

Here I am again, blogging again after disappearing for a few months into full time mommy/full time working. I don't even remember what has happened the past few months that I haven't talked about, but we'll start off with preschool. Adele is loving every second of preschool and dance, she is her teachers favorites even though they are not suppose to have favorites. (I really do mean that, they aren't just sucking up to me, Adele gets extra suckers, and the teacher even bought her bows for her hair). She's so smart, and starting to attempt to read. It's really the cutest thing I've seen. In August we went through a hard time with some personal issues, and I decided to bring our family closer I'd get a dog. Adele was asking for a brother or sister, so the quest for the dog began. I didn't know what kind i wanted or where to start. so, we started on KSL.. I started with German Shepards, none, pitbulls, no grey ones, (I know I am super picky). So, I started searching Malamutes. That's when I stumbled upon the wolf/malamute mix... Could this be love at first sight!? We went to go visit her, and I fell in love right then and there. My heart melted over her, and  I put my down payment on her right then and there. Let me tell you that having 2 dogs, and a three year old all by yourself is a hard one to manage, and it's testing my patience but I couldn't be more happy. Our family feels a little more complete now. I did end up transferring overnights, and it's been hard but I get to spend more time with the babe, so that is all that matters. Boston was a lot of fun, and I got to explore a lot of new places and go to the beach which as nice.

Family life! My dad came home from Aspen finally, but he now leaves to Florida the end of this month. He should be there for about more than half of this year, sadly. I want to try and plan a trip for me and Adele to go see him in April around my birthday.

Vacation! So, last year I went to Vegas with my best friends for EDC. My best friend Chelsea and I have decided to go again, but just us this year! I am so excited, and we have already started planning the trip. I'll finally be 21, so it's going to be exciting to go out and drink a little with my best friend. Speaking of which, I might be seeing Joan Jett next month with Chelsea too in Wendover. I truly am blessed to have such a wonderful best friend, she's been there with me for most of the biggest things in my life. She was with me when I actually found out I was pregnant with Adele, she helped me this August  when I was extremely depressed, she was there for me when the entire Kelly thing happened. She's just kept me strong through so much.

Anyways, I'm off.I would update with pictures, but I have a puppy barking at something.

Preschool, wait what?

I haven't update in a little bit, and that's because we have been a very busy little family lately. I'll start by saying I totally forgot to blog about  Adele's birthday, she of course got very spoiled. I don't even know how much money I spent on her, but she got a play house, a bunch of clothes, movies, and money put into her bank account. She had a fabulous time, and a few of my friends showed up but we kept it low key with a family BBQ. Speaking of turning 3, Adele is in preschool,since she doesn't get to interact with other children a lot, my parents decided to put her into Little Learners Academy, and let me just tell you that it's been incredible. She's so smart, and catches on so quick. The only problem is that she doesn't know how to interact with the kids yet, which I am hoping will come soon. I can not thank my parents enough with helping me with this. The preschool she is attending is very well known for what they do, and how amazing they are with children. Her babysitter actually works there as well, and she is also attending dance there on Mondays as well. I've been working full time still, and looking for a better paying job or hoping to transfer to over nights since I have always been a night owl. I am hoping that it can work out. I've started a new diet program, I had some personal issues in August & September that had stressed me out pretty bad, and made me very depressed. I am now better, and looking to be healthier in my life for me & Adele. I'm aiming for about a 40 pound weight loss. We are very excited for Halloween at our house, already have decorated & Adele already got her outfit! She's being a butterfly. October also started very good for me, seeing Marilyn Manson & Rob Zombie. It was so much fun, getting to see my friends since lately all I do is work & have been so busy with Adele. It was nice to relax, speaking of which I will be leaving to Boston for a week on the 17th of this month! I was hoping to go visit my dad in Aspen, but I couldn't afford the tickets out there, but I am still excited to get away from work for a week. I'll be posting pictures now, enjoy. :)

Her first day of preschool! She's getting so big. 

The girls at Marilyn Manson! Such a fun time. 

Went to the fair together. :)

Loving the long & red hair on me, still. 

Us being goofy :)

Blowing out her birthday candles. :)

Her smile melts me. <3 p="p">

The kids in the house. :)